Republicans, Leukemia Team Up To Repeal Health Care Law
WASHINGTON—Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.
Key Republicans and the blood cancer leukemia make a joint statement condemning the health care bill.
"Republicans have no greater ally in this fight than leukemia," said Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), who was flanked by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), and the abnormal increase in white blood cells. "Denying insurance to Americans with preexisting conditions and ensuring that low-income Americans stand no chance of receiving quality health care are just a few of the core beliefs that the GOP and leukemia share." [more]
Showing posts with label onion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label onion. Show all posts
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Onion on GOP Reaction to Health Reform
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta
WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care
Leaders on both sides of the aisle try to hammer out an agreement on fucking over Americans.
WASHINGTON—After months of committee meetings and hundreds of hours of heated debate, the United States Congress remained deadlocked this week over the best possible way to deny Americans health care.
"Both parties understand that the current system is broken," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters Monday. "But what we can't seem to agree upon is how to best keep it broken, while still ensuring that no elected official takes any political risk whatsoever. It’s a very complicated issue."
"Ultimately, though, it's our responsibility as lawmakers to put these differences aside and focus on refusing Americans the health care they deserve," Pelosi added.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Onion Purchased by China
Onion Headlines this week:
The Following Are Examples Of American Weakness
Politics
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Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation
WASHINGTON—In a display of weakness unbecoming a head of state, President Barack Obama concluded remarks to the nation Tuesday by asking a......more»
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Infographic »
The Following Are Examples Of American Weakness
...more»
Local
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Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction
CASSVILLE, WV—Although rescue workers have cleared a path wide enough for coal to be extracted through, and miners trapped inside are not so......more»
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Community Calendar »
July 23, 9 p.m.
St. Rose of Lima's annual potluck dinner will take place in the church basement on Sunday at 5 p.m. Attendees with last names beginning with A-M are asked to bring a fish-based main dish, while those with last names beginning with N-Z are asked to bring a fish-based dessert or appetizer.
Entertainment
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Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens of......more»
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TV Listings »
House Committee On Foreign Affairs
C-SPAN
11 a.m. EDT/10 a.m. CDT
Distracted by the tones of their own loud voices, reckless American imperialists natter away arrogantly while their once-mighty nation decays beneath their noses.
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Horoscopes »
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
Science & Technology
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Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed
NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd obsession......more»
Monday, March 2, 2009
Tentacles!
From The Onion
Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum
ARKHAM, MA—Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district's monthly meeting Tuesday.
"Fools!" said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. "We must prepare today's youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods—not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!"
The controversial school board member reportedly interrupted a heated discussion about adding fresh fruit to school lunches in order to bring his motion to the table. With the aid of a flip chart, West laid out his six-point plan for increased madness, which included field trips to the medieval metaphysics department at Miskatonic University, instruction in the incantations of Yog-Sothoth, and a walkathon sponsored by local businesses to raise money for the freshman basketball program.
Enlarge Image 
Artist's rendering of the Cthulhu, a hideous demon borne of pure malice that fewer than 3 percent of high school sophomores can identify.
"Our schools are orderly, sanitary places where students dwell in blissful ignorance of the chaos that awaits," West said. "Should our facilities be repaired? No, they must be razed to the ground and rebuilt in the image of the Cyclopean dwellings of the Elder Gods, the very geometry of which will drive them to be possessed by visions of the realms beyond."
West has served on the school board since 1997, when he defeated 89-year-old incumbent Doris Pesce by promising to enforce dress codes and refer repeat disciplinary cases to the three-lobed burning eye. He has run unopposed ever since.
"Charles sure likes to bang on that madness drum," fellow school board member Danielle Kolker said. "I'm not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students. But he is always on time to help set up for our spaghetti suppers, and his bake sale goods are among the most popular."
"I must admit, he's very convincing," Kolker added.
West's previous failed proposals include requiring the high school band to perform the tuneless flute songs of the blind idiot god Azathoth and offering art students instruction in the carving of morbid and obscene fetishes from otherworldly media.
Several parents attending the meeting were not impressed by West's outburst.
"Last month, he wanted us to change the high school's motto from 'Many Kinds of Excellence' to 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn,'" PTA member Cathy Perry said. "I asked if it was Latin, and he said that it was the eldritch tongue of Shub- Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I don't know from eldritch tongues, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea."
"We already changed the name of the school from Abraham Lincoln High to Nyalrothotep Academy," Perry added. "What more does he want?"
Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated eight to one, West gave his final remarks, arguing that the children are our future and that it's the school board's obligation to make sure they are fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.
"In the information age, it is easier than ever to gather knowledge about things that should not be but nonetheless are, and such wisdom could prepare our students to be better citizens amid the ruins of sunken cities infested with swarms of ravenous, bloated rats," West said. "Also, I believe that birth control should not be distributed by the guidance counselor."
All of West's remaining proposals were tabled so the board could debate repairing the hole in the locker-room wall, as five students have disappeared in the adjacent skull-filled catacombs since the opening was discovered last week.Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Homer Simpson Tries To Vote
"This can't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!"
Yes, our shadowy overlords have already decided this election, as foretold in this little video thingy from the Onion.
Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet
Gotta love the Onion.Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet
Young Gore sets out for his new home, where the sky is clear, the water is clean, and there are no Republicans.
EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.
"I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen," said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. "They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?"
Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.
more...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
McCain Vows to Replace Secret Service...
...With His Own Bare Fists
McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists
From the Onion.
McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists
From the Onion.
Friday, March 21, 2008
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