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Onion Headlines this week:

The Following Are Examples Of American Weakness

Politics

• Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation
  54 minutes ago

  WASHINGTON—In a display of weakness unbecoming a head of state, President Barack Obama concluded remarks to the nation Tuesday by asking a......more»

• Infographic »

  The Following Are Examples Of American Weakness
  10 minutes ago

  ...more»

Local

• Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction
  4 minutes ago

  CASSVILLE, WV—Although rescue workers have cleared a path wide enough for coal to be extracted through, and miners trapped inside are not so......more»

• Community Calendar »

  July 23, 9 p.m.

  St. Rose of Lima's annual potluck dinner will take place in the church basement on Sunday at 5 p.m. Attendees with last names beginning with A-M are asked to bring a fish-based main dish, while those with last names beginning with N-Z are asked to bring a fish-based dessert or appetizer.

Entertainment

• Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct
  2 hours ago

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens of......more»

• TV Listings »

  House Committee On Foreign Affairs

  C-SPAN

  11 a.m. EDT/10 a.m. CDT

  Distracted by the tones of their own loud voices, reckless American imperialists natter away arrogantly while their once-mighty nation decays beneath their noses.

• Horoscopes »

  

  Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

  Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.

Science & Technology

• Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed
  26 minutes ago

  NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd obsession......more»