Cell Phones May Cause Cancer: Assholes Panic

From The Borowitz Report:

New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes

Douchebags Consider Switching to Land Lines

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nation's assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.

For years, America's assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones - while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street - regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.
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When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, "I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me - that was awesome."
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"Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this," Dr. Logsdon said. "All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes."