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Ted Stevens

Theodore Fulton Stevens (born November 18, 1923) is a notoriously pissy, out-of-touch drama queen and U.S. senator from Alaska. He is also a dick.

Ted Stevens is best known for several things, none of them honorable. Among them: blatant unfamiliarity with modern telecommunications yet still introducing bills concerning their governance; championing very expensive, highly wasteful projects for his home state; pitching a bitchfit on the Senate floor when those projects are voted down; and bribery.

He is also old. Like, Strom Thurmond old. In fact, Stevens has sometimes been referred to as “The Strom Thurmond of the Arctic Circle,” though it remains unclear whether or not he, too, secretly fathered an illegitimate “lust-child” with his family’s underage servant girl.

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